My life ‘topsy-turvied’ more than once when I was chasing one better feeling after another, trying to avoid old wounds.
Addiction is such a broad subject, and I could talk about it for hours, so in this post, I’ll be focusing more on substances and the bits I learnt along the way.
I suffered some intense traumas at a very young age, and not having the tools or support to deal with it, it very quickly turned into destructive thinking and patterns. I tried several ways to escape my life, from marijuana to meth, and all the flavours in between. Of course, there were also the less obvious addictions, people, validation, busyness, distraction etc. The list might’ve changed, but the patterns remained the same.
In my younger years we simply did not have the tools that we have today. There was no internet, no podcasts, no online communities, no educational videos, or countless books about addiction that we have today. We were just branded bad, outcasts, evil and so forth. We were shunned by society and misunderstood by our own families.
So, after many years of trying various healing modalities, a significant ‘aha-moment’ (thank you, ego death) was when I realised that I’m not bad. I do not need to recover from anything or punish myself into changing aspects of myself. I started learning how to care for myself instead. Slowly, I began forgiving myself and forgiving others. While learning to accept the parts of me I had spent years trying to reject.
One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
~ Carl Jung
I did not change overnight. There were several attempts at staying sober! Some modalities worked for a while, others not at all, but I learnt from all of them, and the journey was transforming me along the way. There were moments when I needed to revisit old patterns before I could fully understand why they no longer belonged in my life. It was and still is a process.
As my thinking became clearer, a couple of surprising things began to appear in my awareness, like little gifts that arrived when I stopped running from myself.
1. My Emotions Came Back Online
I did not realise how much the addiction numbed both painful and pleasant emotions.
I was, suddenly, crying a lot, then laughing a lot, and pretty much feeling a range of emotions more deeply, all the time. I became much more sensitive to the beauty that surrounds us every day, as well as being more sensitive to other people’s energies. In time, I became more in-tune with the living world around me, each leaf, each insect, each drop of water and sand…basically ‘the-all-of-everything’ … interconnectedness of all life!
It’s not that my emotions increased, it’s that they’re no longer being filtered through the addiction.
2. I Suddenly Had a Lot More Time
A huge realisation was that the addictions were consuming hours of my life! I started seeing how everything revolved around it: planning, recovering, thinking about it, hiding it, or regretting it and so forth.
When I stopped smoking, I initially found myself walking in circles looking for my cigarettes or lighter. It became so clear how much time I spent just looking for the thing that was essentially killing me. And that was only cigarettes! #mindblown
I often found myself wondering: “What do people actually do with all this extra time?” (see point 5).
3. My Friendships Changed
Most of my so-called friendships quietly disappeared.
I realised that most of the people I thought were my friends were really just ‘party buddies’. As soon as ‘can-do-good-time-girl’ was not around, people lost interest.
Initially, this was a painful place to be. At times, this felt lonely, but it also created space for me to get to know myself. Looking back, I am grateful for this space, because I had no clue who I was when I first started waking up.
It also opened space for me to connect with people who truly see me. My circle is tiny now, but the ones here are real.
4. I Learnt the Addiction Wasn’t the Problem
This was one of the most mind-blowing discoveries of all. For a long time I believed: “If I stop this or that substance, everything will be fixed.”
Instead, I found myself face-to-face with so much of myself and the world that I had been avoiding. I slowly came to understand that the substance wasn’t the problem itself. Substance abuse was my attempt to manage what was bubbling underneath the surface (Dr. Gabor Mate woke me to this truth #eternallygrateful).
The bottom line was that if I did not face my demons, start loving my shadows and actually make changes in my life, I would stay stuck in that loop of self-destruction. Nothing changes…if nothing changes.
Oh, and side note: Nobody can do it for you…It is 100% on your shoulders. If you are holding on to someone to take you through the process or doing it for someone else, then I urge you to look a little deeper – you may find a little golden nugget there that might just save you.
It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behaviour.
~ Dr. Gabor Maté
5. Boredom Became LOUD
I spent years trying to avoid boredom. Then suddenly there was a void filled with nothing but time. Without constant stimulation, I found myself lost and, quite frankly, bored.
This was the perfect breeding ground to cross addict negatively, which I did several times.
However, I eventually found a “sweet spot of cross-addicting” to something good for me. I started focusing on feeding my soul, healing my body and rekindling relationships, rather than selling my soul, destroying my body and wrecking relationships.
NOTE: I can hear some saying that we should never cross-addict, not even to something good. And yes, if ‘the something good’ becomes unmanageable, if it becomes destructive in nature, of course, then it needs to be revisited (and yes, I’ve tested this too – ha!). All I know is that focusing on a healthy alternative has been life-changing for me.
6. I Started Getting to Know Myself
Perhaps this has been the greatest gift of all. At some point, I realised that the personality I built around my addiction and destructive patterns was not me at all. In fact, I did not even have that much in common with her.
At first, I despised her. I was ashamed of her, but as I healed, I started seeing how her pain, shame, confusion and determination not to give up on life was the magic that made me, me. I then became incredibly proud of her and grateful that she brought me to this here-and-now awareness.
What I learnt was that the journey was less about giving something up. It was more about meeting myself, not the one wearing the masks, but my true self, the somewhat crazy, too much, loving, emotional, divine, flawed human self.
7. Tag, You’re IT – Take Responsibility
This one took some time to sink in, because it is tough and incredibly confronting to admit that sometimes I was an arsehole, sometimes I hurt people, sometimes I acted out just because I knew I’d get away with it…and the list goes on.
Once I stopped blaming the trauma, my parents, the injustice of the world, the ‘oh, woe is me’ victim and started taking responsibility for the destruction I left in my wake, everything shifted.
I realised the blame game kept me stuck, while taking responsibility in a kind and loving way broke patterns so that I could move on.
The bottom line was that if I did not face my demons, start loving my shadows and actually make changes in my life, I would stay stuck in that loop of self-destruction. Nothing changes…if nothing changes.
8. Detox Is Real and It Matters More Than You Think
I feel that so many of my attempts at getting sober failed because I did not understand how important detoxing is. So, while my amazing body was working double-time and trying to clean up years of abuse, I was doing very little to assist. I could not understand why I was feeling so terrible for so long after stopping.
If I had understood that my gut needed assistance, that my body was already functioning on the back foot, I might have done things a tad differently (or not). Either way, I now know and would love to share, in short, what I’ve learnt.
- MOVE YOUR BODY.
Please, for the love of all things good, move your body. As little as 15 minutes of brisk walking can significantly boost blood and lymphatic circulation, which helps your body efficiently transport metabolic waste and toxins to your liver and kidneys for natural processing and elimination. 15 Minutes a day is nothing in the greater scheme, especially if you take into consideration how many hours per day you previously spent damaging your body. - LOVE YOUR GUT.
Eat good food and drink clean water – nourish your body. If you’ve been abusing your body for several years, trust me, you are going to love what happens when you start feeding yourself whole nutrient-dense foods, food that contains LIFE, not more processed ‘substances’. Also, all that extra time we spoke of, go cook a beautiful meal from scratch, it’s therapeutic and healing. - SUPLEMENTS.
The goal isn’t to replace your addiction with a handful of supplements. But it helps to create the conditions in which the body can remember how to regulate itself again. I’m planning another post where we deep-dive into detox and supplementation, because it’s different for each substance. But for now, the rule of thumb, top 5, for most addictions would be: 1. B-Complex Vitamins · 2. Magnesium · 3. L-Glutamine · 4. CHD-FA · 5. N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC). Please do your own research, and help your body recover faster.
It’s been such a long road, and I am still walking it. Every day I learn something new about myself and my patterns. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realise that I know nothing (Jon Snow). So, in closing, I’d love to share this beautiful quote by Kae Tempest that says:
“Nothing I’ve learnt can prepare me for everything else that needs learning”.
May we always stay open and receptive to a new way of being. Thank you for taking the time to read this post 🙏 If you’re stuck in a loop and looking for a way out, please make contact, perhaps we can work together to find a way.
